Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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