mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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