im drinking this country out of the recession.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
