I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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