i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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