If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
This toilet bowl is my home.
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