Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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