Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
