she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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