well I can't set my house on fire every night
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
