Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
