thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
