my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
