Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
