Michael Bay diarrhea
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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