The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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