if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
should my penis look like a turkey
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize