What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
