ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
