"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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