My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
