I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Randomize
