Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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