my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
