she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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