You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
