According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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