Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
