After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
