Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
