You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
