I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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