apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize