I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
