Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
