i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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