hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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