I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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