mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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