DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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