You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
