Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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