So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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