I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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