Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
