isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
