Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
