I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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