i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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