I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
