Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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