Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
