I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
