I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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