the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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