there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
