im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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