Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
