did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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