I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
