my room smells like sperm. sweet.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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