Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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