Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
