Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
