U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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