You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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