Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I have fence marks all over my body
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
